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Angry Brazilian Ex

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So the other day my husband didn’t answer his phone (he does this frequently as he hates answering the phone and hearing “Quem fala” or “Who am I talking to?”  His normal response is “I don’t know you called me!” ).  This is rather convenient for two reasons. Brazilians don’t leave messages and usually it’s work people calling, so if he doesn’t answer they don’t leave a message and they just keep calling other people till the issue is solved, or call him back (so if you need something from my husband call twice or leave a message, as he does return messages).  Anyway, the point of this is Brazilians RARELY EVER leave messages. Super annoying habit that I hate, but I’m a phone slut as my husband says, “I’ll pick up for anyone, anytime, anywhere,” so this would never happen to me.  Going out of the normal Brazilian way, the other day a Brazilian left a message….or two.  And it was a BEAUTIFUL message.  It was so beautiful, that we made our baba listen to it and type it up into a Word document so that I could post it on here for all of you to read… please excuse the language (English edited out, but Portuguese is as left), but this guy was kinda pissed (and I think drunk)

If you listen to the audio you’ll realize two things, this guy is not drunk, and he’s not angry ranting.  He is very calmly going through all of these totally crazy very rational reasons she should return.

MENSAGEM NA CAIXA POSTAL (audio part 1 and audio part 2)

1 PARTE:  Ah minha nossa senhora, a bichona já mudou até a saudação da caixa postal da Sandra, esse cara tá brincando comigo..pô num eh possível isso , cs tao brincando comigo, cs tao brincando comigo… a hora que eu for aí pra reclamar a minha mulher..aí a coisa vai feder ta …entao fala pra essa bichona que fala inglês na caixa postal pra crescer um pouquinho ta, e num num.. e e e deixar de ser muleque ta… fala pro seu papí deixar de ser muleque ta…… e vamos parar por aqui ta, oh sandra se vc ainda tem algo por mim ta.. me respeita por favor ta e nao deixa esse muleque brincar comigo .. nao faça isso se ver o email que te mandei sandra,ver como vc ta linda de top less na piscina ta

Oh my gosh Sandra, some queer has changed your voicemail greeting.  This guy is messing with me .. hell this is not possible.  You two are messing with me. You two are messing with me. When I get there to reclaim my woman things are going to get ugly, so tell that quer that is peaking in English on your voicemail to grow and and stop being an dick. Tell your daddy to stop being a dick ok? Let’s stop here ok,  Oh Sandra if you still have feelings for me …. respect me please and don’t let this dick mess with me. .. do not do this to me if you see the email I sent to you Sandra, you will see that you are beautiful, topless, in the swimming pool.

2 PARTE:  Oh Sandra.. mas que porra é essa de msg que deixaram na tua ..saudação, antes era sandra, agora apareceu a voz de um cara falando em inglês, pelo amor de deus.. ave maria …onde a minha sandra foi amarrar o burro.. puta merda…. viu Sandra, aquela foto que te falei, eu tenho muita foto…nao fica preocupada ta bom.. que se fiz aquilo com alguem, foi so com vc e isso eu juro pela minha filha Clara.. pela minha família, quem você quiser, eu tenho muita foto com você e isso é uma coisa que eu vou levar pro túmulo.. so é minha e sua, que é sagrada ta…que vou guardar pra gente olhar quando for velhinho.  eu espero, espero voltar com voce um dia, quero ser muito seu amigo…

Oh Sandra .. what kind of S** is this msg on your voicemail? Before it was you Sandra now there is a voice of a guy talking in English.  For goodness sake,.. ave maria … where did my Sandra find this JackA** .. F*** …. Sandra, did you see the picture I told you about. I have lots of these pictures.. . don’t worry though, because if I did something with someone, it was only you and I swear by my daughter Clara .. and by my family…. and by whomever else you want me to swear by. I have a lot of pictures with you and that’s something I’ll take to the grave .. It is only mine and yours, which is sacred … I’ll keep it for us to look at when I’m an old man. I hope, I hope to be together with you someday. I  really want to be your friend.

About scrubgrub

I'm just another soul on the internet, posting random thoughts into the ether, because well I love stumbling on other peoples random thoughts, so I figured why not add mine to the mix too. I'm also the mom to two very funny little boys, and how can you not share that with everyone?

11 responses »

  1. OMG – that is freaking HILARIOUS! Um, Sandra… I think it’s a pretty bad idea to go back to this guy. Think he ever figured out he had the wrong number? I think fate is giving this guy a big, fat gift by ensuring that Sandra never hear this rambling. HA. So funny!

    I also do not like the way Brazilians conduct initial phone conversations. My husband is worse. When some calls, he basically yells “Fala!” into the receiver. Is it me, or is that kind of rude even in Brazilian Portuguese?

    Reply
    • Portuguese sounds ruder when spoken naturally.. not a lot of please.. would you, it’d be nice if you… but then again maybe we just use too many words to get to the point in English.

      Reply
      • SOOOO true! I am constantly trying to add “soft” words to not sound pushy or overly domineering, but alas I think they like it honest and to the point! lol You’d never hear a girlfriend in America call you fat to your face.. but here, you get the TRUTH!😉

  2. Hahahh this is INTENSE! Love it!

    Call me stupid but I don’t understand why they say “Fala” rather than “Fale” considering it basically is a command. Or maybe the Brazilian mind is wired differently (never mind, it definitely is) and telling someone to talk is not a command. Who knows.

    Reply
  3. my husband says, “hey speak my son” when he answers the phone but my son is a really really kick word for “my son”. It drives me crazy.

    Poor insaneness. Wow. I mean I like the crazy people. I have always taken an interest in head cases. Where to begin with this guy. Run Sandra.

    I have had a bad day or two in my life. Nothing like that, but encountered people and did things that I regret. I just hope it was never posted on a blog for everyone to laugh at.

    Reply
    • I know am I bad for posting it?? Oh well, maybe one mis dialed number… but I couldn’t resist with two voicemails … sounds like he went over to visit her that night too. I can only imagine out that started… “Who’s that guy speaking English on your voicemail?!”

      By the way the only English is my husband saying his name… which isn’t a common Brasilian name, so I guess that could be considered English.

      Reply
  4. Alex,

    These are all slangs, don’t try to make sense of it. You are right by the way.

    Scrubgrub,

    What you described is a rude way to answer the phone in Brazil, not the most used by any means.
    If I call you I say “Por gentileza, eu gostaria de falar com “so and so”: “May I please speak with “so and so”!

    Ray

    Reply
    • Hey Ray! Do you really say that on the phone?? i’ve never heard anyone speak that way unless maybe they’re calling from Vivo or selling something….
      From everyone else it’s Aloa? Fala.

      haha

      Reply
  5. ohhhh, I would have definitely posted it.

    Reply
  6. Hahahaha! It never occurred to him that the guy speaking English wasn’t Sandra’s phone…lol…

    My cultural consultants tell me it is not rude to say “Who’s speaking?” when you call someone and that I should do it, too.

    Reply

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